Author: Katie1 (aka PurePen on ff.net)
Rating: PG (just on the safe side)
Pairing: No pairings. Hee :P
Short summary: Pre-Ducks. Pre-Portman playing hockey. Just... pre.
Portman is in the principal's office again after a day of fighting (big shocker there). His mother and principal discuss a way to help Portman with his "anger issues"
"Listen here! I don't care who you are or what your "school psychologist" says, my son does NOT and never has had anger issues! Understand!"
You have no idea who much I love my mother. I mean you tell her one bad thing about her children and she will go absolutely postal on your ass. Like what she's doing with my principal, Mr. O'Conner. You see, Mr. O'Conner is about mid-forties, overweight and balding, and when you get him really worked up his knuckles turn white and the vein in his forehead throbs. I had him like this around one thirty when a classmate, Jacob Hughes got in my way and thought it would be a good idea to stand up to me. But now Mr. O'Conner is nothing but a shivering mass of body flubber. My mother has that effect on people. After a few minutes she'll take a breath, say good day, and we'll walk out of here smirking, scott free. Just watch.
"Mrs. Portman, would you please hear me out?!"
Well that was a dumb move on behalf of Mr. O'Conner. I wouldn't be surprised if my mom just steals a move from WWF Smackdown and just gives this man the brutal and unforgiving beating of a lifetime for interrupting her. This is going to be fun!
"This is what, the sixth time in a month I've had to call you here for you son's violent and disruptive behavior?"
Actually seventh... not including the time my brother Danny had to come pick me up for calling my teacher a fat cow... but I probably shouldn't mention that.
"And yes Dean might be a joy to have around at home..."
Actually I get into more fights at home with my little brother Chris that my mom has to break up... shouldn't mention that either.
"... but at school, I hate to be the barer of bad news but he's a bully."
Okay! Out of line! I am not! Yes, okay. I have gotten into a couple fights but what ten and a half year old hasn't?! Watch, now my mom is going to pounce. Bye-bye Mr. O'Conner. I hope you have a will and burial plots in order. My mom is so going to kill you...
Just wait. My mom is getting warmed up. She'll pounce. You'll see.
Another second. Don't worry. She'll come to my defense.
"...well... what do you think we should do?"
"I suggest anger management or some therapy might help..."
What is she doing?! My mother should be giving this guy a verbal lashing not listening! Who listens?!
"We don't really have the money for that... my husband just got laid off and we're helping my other son through college...”
Oh God... no one is supposed to know that! How embarrassing...
Oh God. Oh God. He pities us. Mom! Please! Just beat him up! Tell him I'm a good kid! ANYTHING!!
"Well... is there anything else we could try?"
"Organized team sports?"
Mom! No! Don't even think about it! Not sports! Anything but sports!!
"Well I'm the coach of a youth hockey team. I'm sure Dean here would fit in great and maybe even work out some aggression."
I'll play the violin! I'll take-up stamp collecting! I'll be the local dog-walker and pooper-scooper! Not sports! Anything but organized sports! Don't make me!
"That sounds like a good idea"
"Great! Practices start on Sunday!"
I don't even like hockey.
"Excellent. We'll be there"
"I'll send home some information with him tomorrow."
What are the chances of me getting kidnapped on the way home?
"Great maybe this will be good for my Deanie."
My. Life. Is. Over.